I need to break.
This blogging has got my mind tied up. I think about it too much. It seems like such a good thing…these words I write here. And they are…good words. But He is only concerned with heart motivations. What motivates me?
No, I don’t need a huge audience. I’m not trying to “grow” my blog. But I noticed a subtle change of shifting thoughts. As my posts ruminate in mind words I’m thinking of others reactions. This space has gone from a sweet capturing of my littles to a me space. A space where I promote my own thinking.
This has been a place I’ve been running from for a while now. For almost nine months I’ve heard His voice quietly beckoning me away…away from here and back to my littles…back to my household…back to life. My first gut reaction was to delete. Delete the blog. Delete the internet from our life. But that is not dealing with my heart any more than staying is. Blogging is not wrong. Yes, it may be a bit narcissistic but there is good here in this world. There are lives touched and information shared and it is a good thing. Technology is not bad.
I think of the verse ~
Everything is permissible ~ but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible ~ but not everything is constructive.” ~ I Corinthians 10:23
I think on Jenny’s very poignant post and the listening she did. She heard:
It’s not the blogging…It’s the browsing
It’s not the writing…It’s the wandering
It’s not the time spent…It’s the time wasted
She listened and her blog A Minute Captured is a beautiful thing because of it. So then I thought maybe I could blog just a little bit…put up some boundaries. So I scaled back. My posts were fewer. And that time back did help. Things started coming together around the house. I was thinking again. Not about what others think but about what I should be doing for my household.
But still I heard His voice. Scaling back is not what He is calling me to. And isn’t that what it’s about? Listening to Him? For Jenny it was about writing and ridding of unnecessary distractions. For Elizabeth it was about her gift and not burying that talent. But for me? My season of life has me raising six littles who have very tender receptive hearts that need lots of mommy. I have a household full of toddlers who are right in the midst of training and need structure and routine. I have a house that is in utter chaos and needs habits laid down. I have work to do right here.
I love this space and all the information that is here for the having. I really don’t want to give it up. There are some who are called to share and help others learn. There are some who are called to take up the fight and politically or socially start grassroots uprisings. But it is not for me to share. It is not for me to uprise. This is not my season. My place is here…now…as mother.
This blog has been such a beautiful outlet for me to share my favorite hobby of photography and it is not a door forever shut. I will be back. There will be a season where it will be my turn to share. But I need to turn my camera inward. My babies are looking at their scrapbooks I’ve done for them. And I realize my art is there. It is art with meaning by the only audience who matters. My kids care that I scrapbook. They care that I take pictures of things that are important to them and me. They want to see them finished. They want to see their life chronicled in a way that will matter when they are older and start forgetting. I can always reread a blog and remember. But for them, they need the heft of that real book in their hand to turn pages and smile as they remember and ask questions about what they don’t. And those are the stories I need to tell. The real that needs to be passed down.
My blog will stay put for now. I will be utilizing my Homeschool Free Resources page often as I continue this homeschooling journey. I will continue to answer any comments that happen to come my way. I will be visiting other blogs during scheduled free time to read of other wise words who should be here right now. I will continue to learn and grow. I will be back one day as a seasoned homeschool momma with loads to share.
But for now I am going home to my babies. For now it is simply necessary to let this blog go in order to focus on my necessaries.
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. ~Proverbs 14:1
~ MY STORIES ~
Many people have said to me ‘What a pity you had such a big family to raise. Think of the novels and the short stories and the poems you never had time to write because of that.’ And I looked at my children and I said, “These are my poems. These are my short stories.” ~ Olga Masters